You've Got Mail!
by have-a-cookie
Summary: Ah, the ever addicting internet survey has found it's way to Matt's computer. Hilarity is sure to follow.
1. Matt

**Rating: G…ish XD There are some innuendos…but it's Matt and Mello…it comes with the territory :D Nothing too racy though :D **

**Spoilers: Real names.**

**You've Got Mail!**

Matt sat at his computer, browsing through websites when a large ad blocked the middle of his Tetris game.

COME TAKE OUR SURVEY!!!

Matt clicked the red x. Game or survey? Tetris was going to win every time.

COME TAKE OUR SURVEY!!!

Matt grimaced. He clicked on the link to the survey. "Might as well…"

"Matt, what are you doing?"

Matt didn't respond to his friend. He scrolled down and clicked, 'take survey.'

"I don't think you heard me. What are you doing?"

"Taking a survey."

"Why?"

Near, who was sitting on the ground close by, glanced up in interest.

"It seems like fun."

**1. What is your full name?**

_Mail Jeevas_

"What about your middle name?"

"I don't have a middle name Mello."

"How could you not have a middle name?"

"I just don't."

**2**. **Were you named after anyone...who?**

_Apparently a mail man and a butler._

"Isn't a butler Jeeves?"

"Shut up Mello."

"No, I agree with Mello. A butler is Jeeves…and isn't your name pronounced Mile?"

"Get out of here you sheep! This doesn't involve you."

"I don't believe that Matt cares whether I'm around or not, do you Matt?"

"…"

**3. Where were you born?**

_Kilkenny, Ireland._

"Really? I could never tell. You keep dying your hair."

"Hey-"

"And you don't have much of an accent either."

**4. Do you like where you live...why?**

_I live at school. Who would want to live at school?_

"I quite like it here."

"Well, you're weird Near."

**5. Do you get along with your parents?**

_Considering that they're dead…yeah, we get along all right._

"No comments Mello?"

"I've got nothing to say Matt."

**6. Do you have any pets? Describe them...**

_Well I'd LIKE a Pomeranian puppy, but Mello said no pets in our room. :P_

"Your cigarettes already cause a problem."

"Excuse me for relaxing!"

"Besides, Roger doesn't like dogs anyways."

"I don't believe Matt asked for your input Near!"

**7. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone's eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone's eyes when they are telling you how they feel?**

_I don't see how this is a relevant question._

"Wuss."

"What?"

"Answer the question!"

_But! I'd have to pick when I tell them how I feel._

**8.** **You are stuck on an elevator with the person you fell hardest for. What happens?**

_I suppose it'd be very awkward. _

"Who'd you fall hardest for?"

"Um…no one Mello."

"Matt, you're blushing."

"Shut up Near! No I'm not!"

**9. If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring one person and three items with you…what would you bring?**

_Well, I'd bring my videogames, cigarettes, and…I suppose a lifeboat? And I guess I'd bring Mello but I think he'd cause more problems than what it's worth._

"Well I wouldn't want to be stuck on an island with you anyways!"

"Good. Because I'm not taking you."

**10. Who was your first kiss?**

_Linda._

"Linda?!"

"Heh…we were playing spin the bottle."

"But LINDA!"

"What's wrong with Linda Mello?"

"Shut up Near!"

**11. Coke or Pepsi?**

_Both! Wait…I can't choose both? That's blasphemy. I guess I'd go with Pepsi._

"Blasphemy?"

"Yes. Total blasphemy."

"You know, I always pegged you as a Coke kind of guy."

"I can assure you, I like Pepsi."

**12. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?**

_Oh yeah. Made the mistake of not saying anything once. It landed me a black eye. Never going to happen AGAIN._

"What, were you cheating with _Linda_?"

"Again, what's wrong with Linda?"

"I wasn't talking to you Near!"

"It's none of your business anyways Mello."

**13. Best child's TV show?**

_Full House. You can't get much funnier than Bob Saget._

"Nah, I think you watched it for those Olsen twins."

"You got it dude."

**14. Do you wear a lot of black?**

_Black's not really my thing unless it's paired with something else. Besides, Mels sort of called the whole 'black is my color' thing._

"Yeah…besides, you can't pull off black…it would make you look too Goth."

"What about you?"

"Black makes me look good. But between your blood red hair and pasty skin, you'd look like a vampire in black."

"But girls like vampires."

"Yeah, the Smeyerpires…not nerdy videogame playing vamps."

**15. Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?**

_I live on the top floor at Wammy's so unless they were walking on AIR, they probably wouldn't be outside my window. However, I'd probably like Mello (who has a gun) or L (who knows Capoeira) to be around._

"Guns aren't allowed at Wammy's Mello."

"Well alright then Near, when you get attacked by a serial killer I won't bring in my amazingly awesome gun and save you."

**16. How far have you gone with a boy?**

_3rd__ base ;)_

"Matt…I think you've rendered Mello speechless."

"We played lots of baseball in Ireland…sue me."

**17. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?**

_Mels! I had NO idea! Why didn't you tell me sooner? :)_

"Tch. You wish."

**18. Do you like cottage cheese?**

_It's alright. Kind of lumpy for my taste though. _

"Ew. Heath food."

"Maybe if you tried it you'd like it."

"Do YOU like cottage cheese Near?"

"Yes, I'm quite fond of it actually."

"…shut up!"

**19. If your life was a movie, who would play you?**

_Drake Bell_

"What! No! His best buddy is Josh Peck and I'm NOT going to be played by him!"

"Well you might be the way you've been going through those chocolate bars."

"I dare you to say that again!"

**20.** **You are holding onto your grandmother's hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?**

_My grandmother (like my parents) isn't alive, so I'd pick the newborn by default. Plus, there's a bunch of morals involved in saving someone who has light-years of life ahead of them._

"So…are you done?"

"Yep."

"Thank god that's over."

"Oh look Mels, you got mail!"

* * *

**A/N: Alright…I went screwy with the timeline. Currently, they're in Wammy's (I guess…they're about 12-13???) on anime timeline which makes the year about 2006 or 2007. Smeyer came out with her book in 2005 and Full House is still on air XD. Drake Bell was like…20 in 2006... So…I didn't screw with the timeline like I thought I had XD. Go me!**

**Anyhow…did this get any laughs? Or am I terrible at comedy? I'd always imagined Matt to be kind of cheeky. So...I hope I got his character alright XD.**

**I don't know if I should continue. I have plans to do at least Mello and Near. Possibly some of the other characters if you guys want me to write for them. I'd like to continue and do some really obscure characters XD. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. This applies to all future chapters. Thank you. :D**


	2. Mello

**Rating: PG. Mello uses a curse word or two. It's Mello...what were you expecting?**

**Spoilers: Real names.**

**You've Got Mail!**

"I can't believe I'm taking this stupid thing."

"It's not stupid Mello!"

**1. What is your full name?**

_Mihael Jovan Keehl_

"Make fun of my name and I'll kill you."

"I wasn't laughing, I swear!"

**2**. **Were you named after anyone...who?**

_Probably someone in my family, not that it matters now._

"Aren't you a bundle of joy?"

**3. Where were you born?**

_Yugoslavia, which no longer exists thanks to the damn Yugoslav Wars. _

"I always thought it was Russia."

"You always thought wrong."

"Matt-chan's rationale for thinking Russia is correct. You do have many qualities of a Russian and both countries were in the same area."

"Stop being such a know it all!"

**4. Do you like where you live...why?**

_It'd be better if Near weren't around._

"I think Mello-chan is jealous."

"Shut up Near! Why would I be jealous of a sheep like you!"

"It's merely an observation Mello."

**5. Do you get along with your parents?**

_When they were alive you mean? I don't remember, but I doubt it._

"Well then…"

"What?"

"Nothing!"

**6. Do you have any pets? Describe them...**

_Yes. He's striped and has red hair. :P_

"I'm not a pet!"

"Matt, go get me some chocolate."

"Okay."

"See, fetches…just like a dog."

"Mello-chan is certainly taking advantage of his friend."

"Shut up Near. It's not like YOU'D know what it's like to even HAVE a friend."

**7. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone's eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone's eyes when they are telling you how they feel?**

_What difference does it make? I don't look into their eyes anyways._

"Is Mello-chan afraid to look into the eyes of another?"

"No! Shut up Near!"

"Denial only makes one believe you are lying."

"…SHUT UP NEAR!"

**8.****You are stuck on an elevator with the person you fell hardest for. What happens?**

_Nothing happens. We're on an elevator! What do you want from me? I'm not going to start making out on an elevator. And why the hell am I on an elevator in the first place?_

"It's a hypothetical question."

"It's a stupid question."

**9. If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring one person and three items with you…what would you bring?**

_Chocolate, chocolate, and chocolate. Oh...and yeah, I guess I'd bring Matt too._

"Glad to see I rank second compared to chocolate."

**10. Who was your first kiss?**

_Linda._

"Linda?! When!"

"What's wrong with Linda, Matt?"

"Stop mocking me and answer the question!"

"No."

"Why won't Mello-chan answer the question?"

"Shut up you albino freak!"

**11. Coke or Pepsi?**

_Coke. _

"You would say that."

"Pepsi is disgusting."

"No, it's not!"

"Yeah, it is!"

**12. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?**

_No, I wouldn't say anything. _

"Mello! Didn't you learn from my mistake?"

"Yeah. I learned to not get caught."

**13. Best child's TV show?**

_Spongebob._

"That's…uniquely out of character for you."

"Shut up. It's because of the chocolate episode, okay!"

**14. Do you wear a lot of black?**

_Yes. I happen to especially enjoy black leather. It's total badass. _

"You don't even own leather anything."

"Mello-chan, Roger would not allow leather into Wammy's. He dislikes it."

"All the more reason for ME to enjoy it."

**15. Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?**

_I don't need anyone. Matt's already there but he's completely useless in a fight._

"Hey!"

"What else are you good at besides hacking?"

"…"

"Exactly."

**16. How far have you gone with a boy?**

_Bed ;)_

"Why can you say that but I can't say third base?"

"Because I'm cooler than you Matt."

"But you…didn't…but…"

"It was a sleepover. Don't get any funny ideas."

**17. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?**

_Sorry Mattie, I don't swing that way._

"Right after the bed comment."

"I told you nothing happened!"

**18. Do you like cottage cheese?**

_It's health food. _

"That does not answer the question Mello-chan."

"I think it's sufficient as an answer! And since I'm answering the questions, I'm leaving it as is."

**19. If your life was a movie, who would play you?**

_Judd Nelson_

"But Mels, he doesn't even LOOK like you."

"So? He's got the attitude. Did you NOT see The Breakfast Club?"

"He's 50!"

"Make-up works wonders."

"You want to know MY opinion on this? I think Madonna should play you."

"She's a girl!"

"But did you NOT see her 'Jump' music video?"

**20.****You are holding onto your grandmother's hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?**

_Neither. I'd let them both fall to their deaths._

"Mello!"

"What?"

"You'd let both of them die?"

"Well, I hated my grandmother and that child could grow up and be just like…him."

"Mello-chan, pointing is rude."

"Whatever. Looks like I'm done. Matt, can I leave now?"

"Nope. Near, you've got mail!"

* * *

**A/N: Judd Nelson played John Bender in the 80s movie "The Breakfast Club." He's like…50 in 2007 XD. Madonna's "Jump" video came out in 2005 (I think). If you haven't already seen either…go watch them!! XD**

**The Spongebob episode I'm referring to is one where Spongebob and Patrick are selling chocolate. Just go to youtube and type in "did you say chocolate?" Click the first one (although the second one featuring Mello himself is hilarious as well XD). **

**Next is Near :D. **


	3. Near

**Rating: G. Near is boring.**

**Spoilers: Real names.**

**You've Got Mail!**

**1. What is your full name?**

_Nate James River_

"I can't believe you're letting the sheep take the quiz."

"Ah, come on Mello! I'm sure his answers will be interesting, won't they Near?"

"I'll answer them to the best of my abilities."

**2**. **Were you named after anyone...who?**

_I believe I was named after my uncle Nathaniel River. _

"Boring!"

"But…it's the truth."

**3. Where were you born?**

_Cardiff, Wales. _

"Do they all look like you over there."

"…no."

"So, you're a weirdo in your own home country too."

**4. Do you like where you live...why?**

_Yes. I like living at the orphanage. The children are usually nice enough and I get along with Roger and the teachers here._

"What are you talking about! We all hate you!"

"No, you hate me."

"Matt hates you!"

"…"

"Matt! Stop playing your game and back me up!"

"Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever you say Mello."

"See!"

**5. Do you get along with your parents?**

_I liked my parents well enough before they died._

"What orphan at Wammy's ever got along with their parents! Come on Near, we all hate them."

"Maybe you hated them, but I didn't."

**6. Do you have any pets? Describe them...**

_I'm not fond of pets. _

"Maybe because you practically are one."

"Mello, people can not be pets."

"Well you're a sheep aren't you?"

"Since when are sheep pets?"

"Shut up Matt!"

**7. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone's eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone's eyes when they are telling you how they feel?**

_Both, I would imagine, are quite difficult. However, I've never experienced either situation making it impossible for me to answer the question._

"It's hypothetical!"

"I have no basis to go off of Mello."

"Well…imagine it then, if you're such a genius!"

**8.** **You are stuck on an elevator with the person you fell hardest for. What happens?**

_Nothing. We simply wait for the elevator to be repaired._

"Aw that's boring!"

"I can't see how my answer is any less interesting than yours."

**9. If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring one person and three items with you…what would you bring?**

_I'd bring a lifeboat, food and water to hold me over until I got back to land, a deck of cards, and I don't think I'd bring anyone._

"Way to be practical about a funny situation Near."

"Forgive me for not bringing something useless like chocolate."

**10. Who was your first kiss?**

_Linda._

"WHAT!"

"Wow Near, never knew you had it in you!"

"No way! Then who the hell was LINDA'S first kiss?"

**11. Coke or Pepsi?**

_Pepsi._

"Ha! See Matt! Near likes Pepsi! Ha! In your face, this is proof that coke is way better!"

**12. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?**

_I don't believe I would ever be unfaithful, making this question irrelevant._

**13. Best child's TV show?**

_I did not watch TV as a child. I preferred playing with toys or reading. _

"And this is why nobody likes you."

**14. Do you wear a lot of black?**

_I prefer white._

"White is for losers."

**15. Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?**

_Being on one of the higher floors at Wammy's, I'm sure this problem would never arise._

"We all live on the higher floors at Wammys. Answer the question!"

"I did answer the question."

"Answer it better then!"

**16. How far have you gone with a boy?**

_I am perfectly straight._

"Near, you're so boring!"

"But the question said-"

"It doesn't matter what the question said! You're supposed to make this fun!"

**17. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?**

_I cannot imagine Mello confessing love to anyone, let alone me._

"Huh. I don't think I've ever seen Mello so red before."

**18. Do you like cottage cheese?**

_Although I wouldn't consider it my favorite, I do find it quite delicious._

"Of course you would find it delicious."

"I apologize for having a set of taste buds that enjoy flavors that go past chocolate."

"Shut up. Chocolate is the food of the gods!"

**19. If your life was a movie, who would play you?**

_Max Records. _

"Who?"

"I think he's that one kid in Where the Wild Things Are."

"…who?"

"Never mind."

"Leave it to Near to pick someone totally uncool for his celebrity."

**20.** **You are holding onto your grandmother's hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?**

_Logically speaking, I would choose the newborn. After all, it has many years of life to live whereas my grandmother (assuming I had one) would be at the end of her own life. By default I would have to pick the newborn, for both my morality and because I have no grandmother to drop._

"Ok, we're done. Can I go now?"

"Oh lookie Mels! We got mail from L!"

"…don't tell me…"

"YUP!"

**A/N: Do you remember this? :D …good, because I didn't either. Oh cracky story, you amuse me so…**

**Erm. Sorry for taking forever to actually update this chapter…especially since it's been finished for…a while now. Ah…ha…ha…**

**Ahem. OK. So L may or may not be next. I really was originally going to do the three Wammy children but I think I'll (eventually) do the rest of the cast. If you guys want. And yeah. Fun stuff. Uh…sorry again for not updating this in like a year. FORGIVE ME ._.**


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